


The Tragicomedy of Captain Kuro

by Kereea



Series: ASL In Red [5]
Category: One Piece
Genre: ASL Brothers, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comedy, Gen, Poor Kuro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-05-06 21:51:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5432072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Kuro is forced to rush his plan when Usopp's three pals from the Grand Line come to visit for a few weeks. </p><p>Poor guy never had a chance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tragicomedy of Captain Kuro

Kuro was dusting when Usopp ran into the mansion yelling about pirates at the top of his lungs. Hooligan.

“…Dare I ask?” he asked Merry.

“Oh, did you not know, Klahadore? Usopp’s father is a pirate. He must be visiting,” Merry said.

“Wait, that story was real?” Kuro asked. The boy lied all the time, how was he to know fact from fiction as it came from that fool’s mouth?

“Yes, Yasopp is a sniper on the Grand Line,” Merry said. “Some crew named after the captain’s hair color, nice gents.”

 _Grand Line Pirates_? “And everyone’s fine with them just showing up?”

“Well, we’re used to them. The captain is very pleasant,” Merry said as Usopp and Kaya rushed down the stairs. “Miss Kaya, be careful not to trip!”

“I’ll be careful!” Kaya called over her shoulder.

“One of us should go with them, I suppose,” Merry said.

“Ah, you do it,” Kuro said. “I’m a little…shocked at all this. I don’t much like pirates.”

“All right then. Miss Kaya, Usopp, wait for me!” Merry called, hurrying after them.

Kuro waited briefly before following, keeping himself hidden.

He didn’t see Merry when he reached the harbor but Usopp and Kaya were talking to three young men. A muscular one with an orange hat on his back and tattoos was making gestures as grand as Usopp made when storytelling. A blonde in tails and a top hat—and even a fucking _cravat_ when the other two were barely half dressed!—with a rifle and pipe on his back was laughing. And a skinny boy in a straw hat had his arms slung over Kaya and Usopp’s shoulders.

These were Grand Line pirates?

“So what you’re saying is-”

Kuro ducked behind a tree at Merry’s voice.

“-they need to stay here a few weeks?”

“Just a little tiff with Big Mom, we’ll have it resolved pretty fast,” the redheaded man assured Merry.

“Shanks is right. We accidentally wrecked some of her shit so we’ll make nice with replacements. Hopefully, anyway,” a taller, gray-haired man said.

Shanks…Shanks…not _Red Haired Shanks_ , one of the Four Emperors? Then the other man was…Kuro wracked his brain until he recalled the wanted poster. Benn Beckman. Bounty just shy of a billion, last he checked. Considered a tactical genius.

And they were leaving pirates here? For what? Oh, they’d recognize Kuro for sure, his “execution” had been very public…

“Of course the kids can stay,” Merry said. “It’s not like they’re wanted criminals or anything. Unlike you reprobates.”

“Keep talking, sheep head, and I won’t share that wine I got in Alabasta with you” Shanks said.

“I speak in jest, of course,” Merry said quickly.

Kuro headed back to the mansion. His plans would have to be adjusted.

.o.o.o.

“You know, we’ve never seen your house before Kaya,” Sabo commented as they headed up the hill.

“Merry’s afraid you’ll break something. Rightfully,” she pointed out.

“We do break a lot of stuff, shishishi,” Luffy laughed.

“Still, we’ll have dinner there and you can sleep at my place!” Usopp said. “We can plan for what we’ll do once we’re finally pirates!”

“Sounds good, I’m starved,” Ace said.

“Well go easy on Klahadore, he’s not used to your appeti—oh! You’ve never met Klahadore, have you?” Kaya asked.

“Nope,” Luffy said. “Who’s that?”

“Well, Merry is getting a bit older so we hired a second butler to do some of the more physical work,” Kaya said. “His name is Klahadore.”

“He’s kind of a prick to me but I think it’s because he’s worried I’ll sully Kaya’s honor or something,” Usopp said. “He’s nice to her and that’s what counts.”

“Huh, okay,” Luffy said. “So, we’ve got us four and we should try to get Mihawk’s kid too! Only Sabo’s met him, but he says he’s cool. We’ll probably run into them at some point.”

“Sounds like you have it all planned—oh, there he is!” Kaya said. “Klahadore! Come meet my friends!”

A lean man in a suit walked over, straightening his tie. “Merry mentioned you were referring to…pirates.”

“Hey, I’ve been telling you about them for years, your own fault you didn’t believe me,” Usopp said.

“My apologies,” Klahadore said like it was killing him. “How long will they be here?”

“We’re staying with Usopp for a few weeks,” Ace said. “Sorry if we’re imposing when we eat here.”

“I’m sure you are.” Klahadore turned and walked into the house.

“…So, he hates us,” Luffy commented.

“Sorry about that,” Kaya said.

“Hey, no issue, some people have legitimate issues with pirates. He didn’t call us names or anything,” Ace said. “That’s not so bad.”

“Of course if he is dumb enough to call us names I have a hunk of seastone to smack Ace with, don’t worry,” Sabo stage whispered.

“I am not that bad!” Ace said.

“You’re that bad,” Luffy said.

“This about that fire thing you were telling us?” Kaya asked.

“The Flame-Flame fruit,” Ace said. “ _Long_ story on that one. See, I tried to steal it to prove I was ready to be a pirate but accidentally _ate_ it-”

“Runs in the family,” Sabo said, gesturing at Luffy.

“And then he nearly set the ship on fire!” Luffy said.

“Seventeen was an awkward year,” Ace finished.

“…Glad to see you’re all still nuts,” Usopp said, shrugging. “Ace, don’t burn down my house. It’s where I keep my stuff.”

Ace shrugged, “I don’t know, maybe we need a blaze here or there—ow!”

“I love that Benn taught me _just_ enough about Armament Haki to punch you,” Sabo said.

“What?” Kaya asked, looking at Sabo’s momentarily blackened fist.

“Logia types like Ace can’t be punched normally, they turn into their element defensively. He won’t totally fry us but sometimes he lets us get singed a bit when a hit goes through,” Sabo said. “You need Haki to do it. I’m still learning but I can smack Ace if I’ve got to.”

“I’m not there yet, Sabo’s helping me,” Luffy admitted. “Shanks was trying to get Ace and I to use this other kind of Haki properly. It’s this thing that makes Sea Kings leave you alone.”

“Nice,” Usopp said.

“It would be…if we could make Sea Kings leave us alone,” Ace said. “We’re not quite there yet.”

“I can make tigers pass out!” Luffy said.

“Shanks says we’re too young to use it right on purpose and we’ll figure it out once we get some experience on the sea. I think Shanks can’t teach well because he’s a natural and so doesn’t get how we don’t get it,” Ace said.

“You’re just mad _you_ can only make chickens pass out,” Luffy said.

Ace grabbed him in a headlock.

“Oh, hey, Ace, tell Usopp and Kaya about your boyfriend,” Sabo said, pulling them apart.

“Boyfriend?” Kaya asked.

“No way, really?” Usopp asked.

“We met at my eighteenth birthday party. In a bar,” Ace said. “He can turn into a Phoenix and is really smart and funny.”

“But Shanks hates his guts,” Luffy said seriously. “Says he’s an evil pigeon who wants to steal Ace.”

“He’s on a rival crew,” Sabo explained. “One we’re at peace with, thank every sea god there ever was, but…yeah. Good for getting messages between the crews though, just let them schedule a date.”

“Oh please, Shanks makes me have freaking _chaperones_ ,” Ace said.

“No!” Kaya giggled, covering her mouth as they entered the dining room.

.o.o.o.

“ _Yes_!” Ace said loudly as Kuro entered with a large tray of food. “Shanks is such a mommy duck, it’s embarrassing!”

“Mommy duck?” Usopp asked. “Oh hey, thanks Klahadore.”

“My pleasure,” he said, keeping the mask of the disdainful butler easily.

“You know, wants all his kids where he can see them, want them totally safe. Mommy duck,” Sabo said. “Seriously, pray for anyone Lu or I get a crush on. Anyone.”

Were they seriously talking about one of the four most dangerous pirates in the world like that?

“That is _hilarious_ ,” Usopp said.

“Yeah, until we’re locked in our room or ditched on an island for a pirate fight…no offense to this place or anything,” Ace said.

“May I ask how much I’ll need to serve?” Kuro asked. Oh that was painful.

“Well, Sabo eats like a normal person but Ace and Luffy…how much?” Kaya asked them.

“Multiply by four for me and twelve or so for Luffy and we should be okay,” Ace said.

By four? _By twelve_? “Miss Kaya, have you befriended more exaggerators?”

“I’m afraid not, Luffy really eats like a horse. Actually, multiple horses,” Kaya said.

Kuro cursed the fact that he had to wait until evening to contact Jango. “Very well then.”

.o.o.o.

“So he’s got green hair and three swords,” Sabo explained as they reached Usopp’s house.

“Wait, okay, stop,” Ace said “I get he’s getting trained by Mihawk, best swordsman ever, but how do you wield _three swords_?”

“Maybe he juggles them?” Luffy wondered.

“Nah, he keeps the third in his mouth,” Sabo said. “That’s why Kincaid says he’s a weirdo.”

“Huh…we should still try to recruit this Zoro guy, even if he’s a weirdo,” Luffy decided.

“You are not in any position to call other people weirdos,” Usopp told him.

“Belay that! Future captain’s orders!” Luffy said.

“Wait, who made you captain?” Ace asked.

“Uh, Ace, he’s the one who wants to be _Pirate King_ ,” Sabo said.

“We thought it was obvious,” Usopp said. “I just want to be an awesome pirate sniper, Sabo wants to get as far down the Grand Line as he can which means he wants to see Raftel, and…actually what do you want?”

“To be a pirate and do whatever I please,” Ace said. “…Luffy, you are allowed to be captain.”

“Gee, big brother, that one had to _hurt_ you,” Sabo said, putting a hand over his heart.

“I’ll set your hat on fire!”

“Touch the top hat and die, Portgas!”

.o.o.o.

“I’m telling you, we have to move it up a few months,” Kuro explained. “We’re in danger of being discovered if this goes on too long.”

“Are you sure?” Jango asked, the idiot. Of course Kuro was sure!

“Yes. We’ll need to work quickly so I want you here within the week. I don’t know how long those Grand Line pirates will stay away, but we have more than a week for certain.”

“And you’re sure they’ll recognize you? You’re allegedly dead!” Jango argued.

“You will get the crew here, attack this village, and we will steal all of Kaya’s wealth to restart our careers and we will do it within a week!” Kuro snapped before hanging up.

He only hoped those three younger pirates didn’t figure him out by then. He could only guess what they were plotting at this very moment…

.o.o.o.

“So I think we have to start at Foosha,” Luffy said. “You know, let Dadan know we’re okay, she can pass word to Gramps after we’re long gone, that kind of thing.”

“Also we have to graffiti my birth parents’ house” Sabo said.

“Wait, you’re a runaway?” Usopp asked.

“Long, tragic tale. Don’t get him into it,” Ace said. “So, naturally we need to figure out what _sort_ of graffiti to use…”

“Neon, duh,” Luffy said.

“Should we just paint whatever?” Usopp asked.

“Well we need ‘Sabo was here’ of course,” Sabo said. “Probably something about me being a pirate too.”

“Okay, tell me what their house looks like, I’ll do a sketch and we can pre-plan the graffiti,” Usopp said. “So we can get in and out faster.”

“Okay, so, see Dadan, graffiti a mansion, get the hell out of dodge?” Ace asked.

“Sounds good to me,” Luffy said.

.o.o.o.

“Why are you following me around?” Merry asked Luffy.

“I pissed off Ace, and he’s throwing flaming apples at me. But we’re not supposed to mess with you. So he can’t throw them at me if I’m with you,” Luffy explained.

“…That is a deplorable waste of apples,” Merry decided. “You may stay.”

“So, Merry, what’s Klahadore’s deal anyway? Why’s he hate pirates?” Luffy asked.

“Lots of people don’t like pirates,” Merry said, dusting a shelf.

“Yeah, and most of them have reasons,” Luffy pointed out.

“Well, he was initially shipwrecked when he came here. He may have been on a ship attacked by pirates,” Merry said.

“Yeah, the jerk ones do that.”

“And what do the other ones do?”

“Party,” Luffy said. “Explore. Whatever they want, really.”

“I do hope you are planning on being in the second category.”

“Yeah. I’m going to be the Pirate King because that means I’m the freest person there is!”

“…If you say so,” Merry said. “I don’t understand this pirate business at all myself, heaven forbid I try.”

“That’s okay. My grandpa never got it either. He’s a big shot marine, so kind of obvious he doesn’t.”

“Mm,” Merry agreed.

.o.o.o.

Around the corner, Kuro clenched a fist. So they were asking after him now, were they? Well Jango would be here with the crew tomorrow and soon this mess would all be behind them…

.o.o.o.

“Hey, why do you guys call your other dad by his surname, anyway?” Usopp asked. “I mean, you’ve got guys like me, Dad, Sabo, and Shanks with only one name, but nobody calls Luffy and Ace Monkey and Portgas.”

“Benn?” Sabo asked. “Oh, see he likes ‘Benn’ better than ‘Beckman’. Sees it as more pirate-y. Unless you say the whole thing.”

“Plus, think about it, Beckman sounds more like a last name and Benn’s totally a normal first name,” Luffy said.

“Maybe he’s from some weird land where they say family names last,” Ace mused.

“…Yeah, no, I think he just likes his surname more. Plus I think he said something about Shanks never saying his first name right when they met up so Benn just got him to stick to Benn and everyone else just thought they were supposed to call him Benn because the captain was.”

“Huh. Imagine not being able to say your own boyfriend’s name,” Ace laughed.

“Eh, it could happen, some people have weird names,” Luffy said. “Like that Admiral Benn shot? He goes by Kizaru cause his real name’s weird.”

“All Admirals go by titles, Luffy,” Sabo said.

“The guy’s name is Borsalino, I’d rather go by anything but that,” Ace said.

.o.o.o

Kuro’s eyes widened as he listened in. Benn Beckman, who these boys referred to as a father-figure, _shot an admiral and lived_?

The attack couldn’t come soon enough. He had to get out of here.

.o.o.o.

“Wonder when Shanks is going to come back…I’m bored,” Ace complained.

“Well I think getting Usopp to climb a tree with a spyglass is a bit much,” Sabo said.

“Come on, they could have finished early. It’s not like buying a ton of popcorn is that hard,” Luffy said

“And they wouldn’t have to do it if Ace and Lucky Roo hadn’t accidentally cooked one of Big Mom’s warehouses,” Sabo replied.

“Burn in hell, Sabo, we didn’t know.”

“Her Jolly Roger was on the door!”

Ace stuck his tongue out at Sabo. Sabo made a face at Ace in return.

“That looks really weird coming from a guy in a top hat,” Luffy said.

“Why do you guys always pick on my hat? We all have hats!” Sabo said.

“GUYS!”

Ace caught Usopp as he fell out of the tree, “You okay?”

“Pirates! And not the normal ones!” Usopp yelled.

The brothers looked at each other, back at Usopp, and then all four boys scrambled up the tree.

“Huh…don’t recognize their Jolly Roger,” Sabo said, passing the spyglass to Ace.

“Me neither…I mean, a cat?”

“Cats are mean, man,” Usopp said.

“So they’re mean pirates,” Luffy smacking a fist into his hand. “…Let’s kick their butts.”

“Luffy, we don’t even know what they’re coming here to do!” Sabo argued. “To say nothing of how strong they are!”

“Hey, isn’t that the mean butler?” Ace asked, peering at the shoreline.

“Looks like he went for a walk. Guys, we’ve got to warn him about the pirates!” Usopp said.

.o.o.o.

Kuro smirked as his ship appeared on the horizon. Soo this would all be over…

“Klahadore! There’s pirates!”

“Oh you have got to be kidding me!” he yelled as Usopp and the pirate brother ran towards him. They hadn’t even suspected? He’d done all this for nothing?

That’s it, he was killing the lot of them.

.o.o.o.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad,” Yasopp said as they hopped off the ship.

“Good thing Captain’s a charmer when he wants to be,” Kincaid laughed.

“Good thing Big Mom is easily flattered and placated with food, you mean,” Benn huffed.

“Guys!” Yasopp yelped, pointing ahead.

There was wreckage and weapons littering the ground. Scorch marks on the rocks that weren’t smashed to bits.

“Oh shit,” Benn said, recognizing the signs of a battle. “Kincaid, go back for Shanks and the others!”

“On it,” Kincaid said.

“What do you think happened?” Yasopp asked. “Big Mom send some spies behind us?”

“You’d have noticed us being tailed,” Benn said. “So I—thank goodness.”

Ace, Sabo, Luffy, Usopp, Kaya, and Merry were up ahead, piling some broken weapons into a cart.

“Hi Benn! Hi Dad!” Usopp called as they got closer.

“…What the hell happened?” Benn sighed as Yasopp shot over to Usopp and Kaya and started checking them for injuries. “We left you here for your own safety _for two weeks_.”

“Okay, so, you’re never going to believe this, but Kaya’s new butler was _evil_!” Luffy said.

“What.”

“And a pirate everyone thought had been executed, Captain Kuro!” Sabo added.

“ _What_.”

“And he thought we’d found him out and had his crew come and attack, but don’t worry, we kicked their butts!” Luffy said. “But we’re trying to keep the town from finding out they almost got attacked so help us get rid of this stuff!”

“ ** _What_**.”

“…We’re why you went gray, aren’t we?” Ace asked idly. Benn smacked him upside the head.

“What the hell happened here?!?”

“Oh shit, he’s in mommy duck mode again,” Sabo muttered as Shanks ran over and looked all three over intently.

“We kicked pirate ass!” Luffy declared. “Ace broke both a guy’s arms at once and then set his hair on fire. It was cool.”

“Luffy took out a guy with a sixteen million bounty!” Sabo added.

“Apparently Captain Kuro evaded execution and set himself up as Miss Kaya’s butler,” Benn said. “Our arrival made him worry he’d be found out so he had his crew attack while we were away.”

“And we kicked ass!” Luffy said proudly.

Shanks groaned and smacked his hand to his head, “Anything else?”

“…Merry and Kaya said they’re going to give us a ship so we’re going to run off and be pirates now,” Sabo said.

“Yeah okay fine,” Shanks muttered, dragging his hand down his face. “Not like I can say no after you take out a whole crew on your own…”

“Got that right!” Luffy chirped. Shanks shot him an annoyed look which Luffy got rid of by running over for a hug.

Kid was people-smart like that.

“So, you’re going to set off as pirates now, are you?” Benn asked.

“Well…I guess we are,” Luffy said. “But we have to go back to the Grand Line first! Just to say goodbye to everyone!”

“Most everyone’s on the ship, Luffy,” Shanks said.

“Hey, if I’m not going to see Marco for however long it takes to make a name in East Blue, I’m getting to say one hell of a goodbye,” Ace said.

“How long will this ‘goodbye’ take then?” Sabo asked, smirking.

Shanks rolled his eyes, “I still can’t believe you like that pigeon.”

“Hey, it helps you keep the peace with Whitebeard…neither of you is willing to piss of their kid by declaring war on their boyfriend,” Ace said, shrugging. “Also, give me a few days.”

“ _Days_?” Shanks yelled. Ace shrugged innocently.

“Besides, we have to wait for Merry to build the ship!” Luffy said. “Plenty of time for Ace to find Marco for a goodbye!”

“Okay, let’s all stop talking about Ace getting a ‘goodbye’ out of Marco before your poor Papa Shanks’ head explodes,” Benn said.

“Aw, where’s the fun in that?” Sabo asked.

“Sabo, I mean it,” Benn said.

“Sorry, Benn,” Sabo said.

Yasopp finally released Usopp and Kaya from the very long hug he’d pulled them into. “Glad you’re both all right.”

“I got taken hostage for a moment but Usopp shot the guy,” Kaya said.

“That’s my future King of Snipers!” Yasopp said, ruffling his son’s curls.

“And I’m going to be King of the Pirates!” Luffy cheered. “Come on, guy’s, let’s party!”

**Author's Note:**

> Poor, poor Kuro. He never stood a chance. Couldn't have happened to a nicer asshole. 
> 
> Ace looks like canon except he wears an open red vest and does not have a tattooed back. His “ACE” tattoo is not misspelled. He also carries two knives instead of one. Sabo looks almost exactly like his canon self, minus the burns. Luffy also looks like his canon self.
> 
> On Ace and Luffy’s Conqueror’s Haki, the power levels they discussed are when they use it intentionally during training. During a high-stress situation they’re perfectly capable of knocking out people (Luffy could probably pull off his Marinford bit now if pt under pressure), but will not consciously choose to use the Haki but do so as a side effect of their desperation. Ace is right about Shanks: as a natural he's not always the best teacher.
> 
> Little bit of Lawlu foreshadowing with how Beckman is referred to by his surname becuase of the Captain not using his real name, reminding us of the eventual fate of Trafalgar "Traffy" Law.
> 
> More Marcce next time, along with Saboala and Lawlu as we get snapshots of the brothers' relationships up thru Marinford in "ASL In Love". (Don't fear Marinford, my children! it's an AU!)


End file.
